Cloaks, Coffee and Heels

Over the weekend my daughter accused me  of putting my work first and loudy voiced her opinion that my work was more important to me than her. I don't think my heart has ever sank so low. As if it's not hard enough being a single mom, I still bear the guilt of being a full time working mom daily. It's something that I've come to accept will never go away. While I yearn to be a stay at home mom or work part time it's simply not feesable. Even if I had stayed in my marriage it wouldn't have been feasible with my - always living outside of his means - materialistic spouse.


Yep, I come from the other end of that all too clique 'the wife's spending all my money' spectrum and while outsiders looking in were all too envious the grass isn't always greener ladies! Try dealing with the guilt of needing new work clothes or shoes when you know your children desperately need new clothes too only to come out to find out your husband bought a new $100 watch or $60 tanning package and now there's  $40 left until payday.... well I guess the shoes can wait, we need food afterall...


Everything else aside, the guilt we mothers bear may as well be a scarlet letter etched into our soul because it's not going anywhere. It's for keeps long after our children need us or leave us.


I wasn't quite prepared for these extreme levels of guilt. I was always more of a 'live and let live', 'live your life to the fullest with no regrets' kinda girl.  Girl.  The word lingers like the elephant in the room. Well I'm not a girl anymore.  I'm a woman, and not just a woman, I'm a mom.


Being a mom doesn't afford the luxury of a guilt-free life.  We make choices everyday with our children at the forefront of our minds never quite knowing if it's the right one. Never knowing if this ONE decision will rival Pandora's box, but we'll be damned if we don't make it.


I no longer see guilt or regrets the same way my 20 something year old self did. I now have the wisdom to know that regrets are unavoidable. The only way I've learned to handle that reality is by wearing the guilt like an invisible cloak - shielded from the world but constantly felt, on your mind and close to your heart.