I know that I shouldn't be so proud that i'm 'aduting' today because, afterall, I AM an adult but let's be real, some days it's just not that easy.
I've been off of my depression/anxiety meds for over a week now andOver the weekend my daughter accused me of putting my work first and loudy voiced her opinion that my work was more important to me than her. I don't think my heart has ever sank so low. As if it's not hard enough being a single mom, I still bear the guilt of being a full time working mom daily. It's something that I've come to accept will never go away. While I yearn to be a stay at home mom or work part time it's simply not feesable. Even if I had stayed in my marriage it wouldn't have been feasible with my - always living outside of his means - materialistic spouse.
Yep, I come from the other end of that all too clique 'the wife's spending all my money' spectrum and while outsiders looking in were all too envious the grass isn't always greener ladies! Try dealing with the guilt of needing new work clothes or shoes when you know your children desperately need new clothes too only to come out to find out your husband bought a new $100 watch or $60 tanning package and now there's $40 left until payday.... well I guess the shoes can wait, we need food afterall...
Everything else aside, the guilt we mothers bear may as well be a scarlet letter etched into our soul because it's not going anywhere. It's for keeps long after our children need us or leave us.
I wasn't quite prepared for these extreme levels of guilt. I was always more of a 'live and let live', 'live your life to the fullest with no regrets' kinda girl. Girl. The word lingers like the elephant in the room. Well I'm not a girl anymore. I'm a woman, and not just a woman, I'm a mom.
Being a mom doesn't afford the luxury of a guilt-free life. We make choices everyday with our children at the forefront of our minds never quite knowing if it's the right one. Never knowing if this ONE decision will rival Pandora's box, but we'll be damned if we don't make it.
I no longer see guilt or regrets the same way my 20 something year old self did. I now have the wisdom to know that regrets are unavoidable. The only way I've learned to handle that reality is by wearing the guilt like an invisible cloak - shielded from the world but constantly felt, on your mind and close to your heart. I'm starting to feel more and more like my old self each day. Albiet a less patient version of myself but hey, we all have things to work on.
Deciding to wean myself off of the crutch after 9 months of dependency was a huge decision and one that I am proud of. I've never been a fan of western medicine and thought long and hard before jumping on the all-to-medicated bandwagon that we call life in the US. However the reality was that I was no longer living. Sure I was alive, but barely. Each day was journey to get through without a destination in sight. Every morning I dreaded leaving the warmth of my bed, getting dressed, putting my big girl panties on and facing the world. I wanted to stay in my cocoon of self loathing yet this was doing nothing but harm to my daughter, my whole world.
The decision was not a brash one. I went to the doctor twice in hopes of help but chickened out and got birth control instead. I know what you're thinking, Birth control? Really???... Yeah, I wasn't needing any of that! But what else was I supposed to say that I was there for? Heaven forbid the truth. No, I was too strong for that and too determined to bear it all on my own. I convinced myself that I just needed to suck it up, paint on a smile and 'adult'.
Well, adulting is hard. It's hard enough on normal days with a steady job, family, relationship and support system not to mention when times are tough and your whole world has begun to cave in around you.
I finally took the steps to drag myself out and seek the help that I needed before it was too late. Before my daughter was affected or neglected. The fear of my loathing bringing her down was too more to bear. She was hurting too and she needed me. Not just a pajama wearing, spending endless hours hiding under the covers version of me but the real one. She needed her mom and I found her in time.
So yes, I am proud that i'm back to adulting and wearing pants and I don't care who knows about it! I found the help that I needed in time and I hope that this message helps others to do the same as there is no guilt or lost pride in asking for help - only the guilt that comes along with not asking.
